twistedsrose

i know it's been awhile since i've writen in this. and it's probably because i haven't been real happy lately. well, lets just say that i've been happier. i've been kinda off and on with rhian and the others and i feel like everything's just falling apart. i wish i could go back in time and fix the mistakes i've made. i was so happy when i felt like i had someone. someone who would do anything for me and who i would do anything for. needless to say, i don't feel that right now and i haven't for awhile now. this is the point where most people would give up and leave. not me. for some reason i just can't do it. i can't give up. why you ask? i don't know. maybe it's because i'm so in love that it hurts? maybe it's because whenever i think about my life without them i feel like puking? maybe it's because they really are "the one" for me... i guess what i'm starting to figure out is that maybe I'M not "the one" for them. and this is why i should let go right? if i love them, and i'm not good for them, i should stop being selfish and let them go... but i don't want to. i'm not ready for that. it just doesn't seem fair. i know what's coming and it sucks. it sucks really bad. i just want to talk to them. and tell them how much i love them. i would love more than anything right now, to just go back to the four days i was with them, in that hotel room, with no one but us. that was so amazing and i will never forget it as long as i live. unless i lose them of course. then it will hurt too much to think about it. and i mean that with all of my heart. God please help me. help me get through this. i don't want to be sad anymore and i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. i have to go to sleep. i'm tired. very tired.

i just want to say thank you.

thank you for letting me live another day.

i'm laying here on my bed, watching my favorite show on my new laptop, with my cat that i love sooooo much. in my air conditioned room, drinking a bottle of green tea. knowing in my mind, that, there's a lot of people out there right now, who are dealing with, both physical, and/or emotional pain. there are people going through the worst day of their lives. people who are losing people the love. people who were not lucky enough to even have the chance to eat today.

and,
i'm laying here, with a clear head, a happy heart, and a healthy body. i'm not in any pain (besides my wrist but i'm used to that) i'm ridiculously happy with the person you gave to me, the long lost love of my life. i'm not suffering in any way, shape, or form. i am completely content with my life and i am so grateful for that. i don't know what i did to deserve this, but i do thank you. with all of my heart, thank you.

so, im sure you already know, but, my uncle greg just showed up from north carolina. now, i love my uncle, but that's because i know he loves me and would do anything for me and, he would be there if i really needed him. but mainly, i only love him because he's my uncle and that's what your supposed to do. it's just that, everything he resembles, to me, means nothing but trouble and complete failure. my whole life, he's been nothing but trouble in my eyes. i knew that whenever he was around, things were gonna be bad, and weird, and just not good all around. my parents make their own choices. i know that. but when he's around, trouble happens and doesn't go away until he goes away.

it's like he sucks my dad into his messed up life. my appartment turns into a crack house after so long and everything sucks. he eats literally, ALL of our food! what little we have. he will use everything we have in our appt. at his disposal. I.E. shower, shampoo & cond., toothpaste, TP, (pretty much all bathroom supplies) he gets to wash his clothes whenever he wants. (and he does) he eats WHATEVER he wants and doesn't ask. he sleeps on our couch he nevers offers to pay any money for rent when i have to pay $40 a week to live in my room. and when he's here, that's literally what i do unless i leave the house.

i know i should never complain and should be more giving(especially with family) but, he just really gets to me and he always has. like tonight for instance, he just arrived here, unannounced, (and i mean, didn't tell anybody he was even coming here unannounced) at 9:30pm. he's been here, about 15 minutes, and already, he's eating the cheese bread i bought earlier for my dinner. didn't ask if he could have any until it was already in his mouth. now, this wouldn't bother me at all if this was a regualar, caring, responsible, SMART, human being. but it's not. it's my uncle greg. and he is by far, one of the most ignorant people i've ever met.


i really hate when he comes back. i don't ever remember being happy that he was around. it's all just bad news. he bounces around from family member to family member until everyone gets so pissed at him that he has no choice but to leave again. then a year later, he comes back and does it all over again.

i feel like everything that was going on in my life is now going to be interrupted. disarranged. discrumpled? i like that word. i don't know why, but i do. anyway.

God, just help me keep everything on track. the way it was going to be. it was perfectly fine yesterday. all i had to do, was not screw anything up. (or let anyone else for that matter) but now that he's back, who knows what will happen. i need you to help me make it through all this. i can't drop any of the balls i'm juggling right now or all of the plans i've been making could be ruined. in a way, my future depends on how these next few weeks go. i really can't lose the place where i live. i really can't ruin my credit by not being able to pay my bills. and i really need my dad to stay focused along with me so we can get through all of this together. any unnecessary distractions, could really impair our chances of getting things done and getting them done right the first time. right now, distractions are not good.




tips for today - do the best you can do at everything you do. just don't forget about what's important in the long run. - always try to be the better person, even when your opponent is not.



thank you Lord for giving me one more day on this earth. no matter what happens, i can't really complain. i'm still alive, healthy, and primarily happy. i'm not in any pain. the people i love are living and beathing again. i know that i can only pray that i wake up again tomorrow, and you give me another day here.

i hope rhian helps me with the my ugly journal. i wish it were PINK! :) with lots of other shades of PINK! :):)

i came up with an idea for this journal. since i don't really like to journal too much, it won't necessarily be a journal just for myself, but, a journal to God. i think it's a great idea so when i really need to get something off my mind, pray, or just be thankful to be alive, i can write it all in here. so when things are crazy in my life, i can look at this and remind myself that things are not always as bad as they seem. and with every new day, something amazing can just fall into your lap unexpected and change your world forever.


tips for the day - always be thankful for what you have.(even if it's not always what you want) take nothing/no one for granted. no matter how bad things may seem, there's always tomorrow and something amazing could be right around the corner.







(i think this fits. this is one of my favorite parts in a movie)



"kelly added it all up, she knew she had to let me go. i added it up, and knew that i had lost her, cause i was never gonna get off that island.. i was gonna die there. totally alone. i mean, i was gonna get sick, or i was gonna get injured or something. the only choice i had, the only thing i could control, was when, and how and where that was gonna happen. so, i made a rope, and i went up to the summit, to hang myself. i had to test it, ya know. of course. you know me. and the weight of the log snapped the limb of the tree. so i.. i.. i couldn't even kill myself the way i wanted to. i had power over nothing. that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. i knew, somehow, that i had to stay alive. somehow. i had to keep breathing, even though there was no reason to hope. and all my logic's said i would never see this place again. so that's what i did. i stayed alive, i kept breathing, and then one day that logic was proven all wrong, because, the tide came in , and gave me a sail, and now here i am. i'm back, in memphis, talking to you. i have ice in my glass...... and i've lost her all over again. i'm so sad that i don't have kelly, but i'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. and i know what i have to do now. i gotta keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide could bring."
- Tom Hanks, Cast Away







God, you've given me life, love, health, and happiness. what more can a person ask for? these are the simple things that people take for granted everyday. i'm so thankful for everything you've given me. i know that things could be so much worse than they are, and nothing petty is worth taking your small amount of time on this earth for granted. things go wrong. people are not perfect. nothing in life is guaranteed. you WILL have 'bad days' but always remember, that tomorrow will come, and you never know what the tide could bring ;)


so, i just want to say, thank you Lord! thank you for my health and happiness. thank you for keeping my family and friends healthy. thank you for putting an amazing person in my life who's made me happier than i thought i could be. thank you for giving me a reason to believe again when you and i both know, that a few months ago i never thought i'd have what i have now. i. am. actually.... falling. for. someone. (i know, crazy right?) i never thought i would say those words again. and shock of shocks! there they are! that's why i really think that you made all this happen. you pushed me to do what i did that day. (you know what day)

i'm getting a car soon and i am SO excited!! i really hope everything works out ok with it. i really need this car. and i REALLY need to be able to afford it. i hope i do good with this. this will be my first car that i've had since i got my license! i'm sooooooo excited!! i hope this all works out ok for me. i know you'll see me through this :)




God, please Bless my family and friends. and thank you again. Amen

i'm going to start this tomorrow cause i'm way too tired right to do this. and i miss my baby sooooo much that it hurts. iloveyou